"S C R E A P I N S"
Ah, offen wonder hoo a fella feels wen he's drunk. Thear's yah thing sartin, if he feels hoaf as daft as he leuks, he'll be bad aneuf, Ah'll back. Ah've seen fella's drunk, shakkin' han's 'an kissin'. an slavverin' ower yan anudder as if they hed bin brudders parted for menny a 'eer, and' in less nor five minits efter, they've bin hammerin' an' brayin' yan anudder, an' rowlin aboot in t' gutter, an' in fact tryin' aw they 'new ta kill yan anudder, an' mebbe wen they com till their senses (if they hed enny), they wad finnd theresels in t' lockup, an' hev ta pay a gud lock o' shillins' befoor they cud git oot agean. An' still fella's taks a pleashur in gittin' drunk.
Ah heeard a chap say t' udder neet 'at he nivver enjoyed hissel till he was drunk, 'an than Ah wad say, he'll enjoy hissel; "scandulusly." Ta show yea hoo some fella's enjoys thersels' in drink, Ah'll tell yea a teale Ah happen't ta 'ear t' udder neet, an' it's a true 'un. Yah Sunday, a few munths sen, two of oor "Wurkiton wurthies" thowt they wad gaa till Harrinton at efterneum for a change. Seah efter gitten' they're tees in gud time, they set off an' woak't it. Well, it was raider dry wark woakin', seah they wad coa in t'Stashun Hotel and hev a pint a-piece. Well, yah pint was t' means of hevin anudder, an thean crack gat ta be gud, seah wat it wad nivver dua ta leeve sec a gud cumpany as that, they wad hev annuder pint, and thear they went on, yah pint efter anudder till shuttin'-up time com, and they war gay fine lads be than Ah can tell yea.
Well, wen they gat ootside they war varra nar foan oot aboot wich way they hed ta gaa heame. Yan wanted ta gaa be t' rwoad, an' t' udder wad tak t' railway for 't, an' efter bein doon in t' mud yance or twice, an' a gud deel o' fratchin', he gat his way, an' they mead tracks for t' stashun. As it happen't t' laal geate was oppen, an' they gat on t' platform aw reet, bit it was a feerful dark neet, an 'beath on them was cumfurtably drunk, an' they war flay't a' foan doon on til't t' line, seah they thow't they wad keep weel till their reet, as they went.
They hedn't gon far in this direckshun till they com bump up agean summat. T; sudden't shock, tagidder wid t' state they war in, coased them to foa, an' wen they fell they mead a terribel splash, an' they began ta be raider flayt. They felt aboot a bit, an' than yan o' them ses, "Eh man Gwordie, Ah doon't think we're on t' railway ataw, min; Ah beleeve we've gittin doon (?) Kay, an' tummil't in t' Harber." "Nay" ses Gwordie", we can't be in t' Harber, becos, Ah's sartan we com on till t' platform". "Well, feel t' boddom" ses t'udder, "it's soft like mud, isn't it?" "Aye, it's soft aneauf, an' it smell's bad aneuf ta be t'Harber anaw," anser't Gwordie, "but Ah dooan't think it is t' Harber for aw that; let's hev a try to git oot."
Seah efter a gud deel o' scrafflin an slippin' aboot, they manish't ta git on thur feet agean, bit they war neah better off yet, becos wich ivver way they turned they com agean wat they thowt was a woa. Seah at finnish they gev it up, an' laid thersels doon, thinkin' they wad finnd oot woar they war wen dayleet com.
Ah darsay they med hev bin theear yet, oanly t' next mwornin' being Cockermuth Market Day, sum farmers com till t' stashin raider seun wid sum coos, ta send them till t' ockshin, an wen they went till t' cartle truck they fand oor bowld hero's layin' in t' truck boddom fast asleep, an' as happy as "pigs in much".
Wey, wat yea naw, they woakened them up, an' a fine seet they war anaw. Thed hed rowled about in t' much till yea cudn't tell wat culur their cleas was; in fact, they didn't naw yan anudder at t' furst; bit, hooivver, they gat thersels streytened up a bit, an gev a lad thrippence to screap their cleas wid a piece o' hoop-iron (they cud finnd nowt else), an' than they hed a wesh in yan o' t' cabins, and slink't off heame be t' shore way, tryin' aw they 'new ta keep oot of ivverybody's seet. They fand oot efter 'at wen they turned till t' reet on t' platform, they hed gitten on till t' cattle stage, and theear hed bin a truck left wid t' dooars oppen ruddy for leadin' at mwornin', an they hed gitten in thear an' cudn't git oot aean, bit they beath say 'at they'll nivver gas till Harrington ta git drunk agean, as lang as they leeve. It's cure't them.
Wasn't it a sham for t' wedder ta play sec a durty trick on us last Tuesday ? Them poor barn's at gaas till t' low Sunday scheuls hes bin leukin lang for t' trip day cumin', an wen it did cum, an' lots o' them hed gitten till t' stashin wid thur bit bettermere cleas on, they hed ta ga back agean on account o' t' wedder. Ah think sum way' at notis med hev been given a bit seuner at t' trip wasn't gaan' or else wen they had gitten seah far as t' stashin on their jurney they shudn't hev turned flayt at that hevvy shoor, they med as well hev gon on efter gitten that far. Bit ennyway t' furst time that "Jupiter Pluvius" (thats his neame isn't it) cums this way, he may leuk oot for it. Ah wadn't like to be him, if sum o' thur wimmin an/ bairns cums across him.