The Genealogist - UK census, BMDs and more online

When does a farmer work a miracle ?  When he turns a horse to grass.
 
CURE FOR LOVE'S FEVER - "Doctor, what will cure the fever of love?"    "The chill of wedlock, mademoiselle."
 
The ST. LOUIS JOURNAL says that "the Bishop of Atlanta is one of the nicest, smoothest, squarest old fellows in the business."
 
JOSH BILLINGS says:  "There ain't ennything that will kompletely kure lazyness, but a second wife has been known to hurry it some."
 
"GRACIOUS ME !" exclaimed a lady in a witness box, "how should I know anything about anything I don't know anything about ?"
 
AN AUTUMN IDYLL.  The melancholy days have come, the saddest day of the year;  it's a little too warm for whisky hot, and a little too cold for beer.
 
FUTURE POETS.  -  A contemporary says:  "Some of our posts may be found amongst our street boys."   We hope not.  Those street boys are bad enough now, goodness knows.
 
MEN AND SHEEP. - A farmer committed suicide because his sheep did not take the first premium at a fair.  We have not heard how the sheep took their disappointment, but it isn't very likely they went to work and made mutton of themselves.
 
TIGHT BOOTS. - Men often admit that they suffer from tight boots, but did you eve hear a lady confess so much ?      Not any.  Their shoes are always "a mile too big".  And that mile generally produces anything but a smile on their faces.
 
A FRENCH newspaper makes the following extraordinary announcement:  -  LORD SELKIRK arrived at Paris this morning.  He is a descendant of the famous SELKIRK whose adventures suggested to DAFOE his "ROBINSON CRUSOE".
 
CHRISTOPHER WELLINGTON WATKINS, after a light supper of pork chops and Welsh rarebit, composed his epitaph as follows:
            Here lie the remains of C.W.W.,
            Who never more will trouble you, trouble you.
 
"HOW DID IT HAPPEN that your house was not blown away by that hurricane last week?" asked a scientific observer, who was following the track of a tornado, of a farmer whose house lay right in the line of destruction.       "I don't know," replied the farmer, unless it's because there's a heavy mortgage on it."
 
THE LEGISLATURE of a Western State, having a bill under consideration for the regulation of tax collectors, an "honourable member" got up on his feet, and said, "Mr. Speaker, I go in heavy for that bill.  The tax-collectors are all a set of knaves.  I have been one myself for ten years."    The bill passed.
 
IN MEMORIAM. - The Philadelphia ' Public Ledger ' states that the Smithsonian Institution is in receipt of CAPTAIN JACK's head.  The Modoc chieftain left this as a token of friendship to the whites.  Sightseers always stop about ten minutes to look at it, in going through the animal curiosities.
[ Good ]
 
TWO STUDENTS meeting on the road with a hostler, they fell to bantering him, and told the fellow they would prove him to be a horse or an ass. "Well," said the hostler, "I can prove your saddle to be a mule."   "A mule," cried one of them.  "How can that be?"      "Because," said the hostler, "it is something between an ass and a horse."
 
THEODORE HOOK was at a musical party at which a certain young lady attempted to sing a very difficult song, which she gave with exaggerated feeling and a great many blunders.   "Don't you adore her singing?" asked a gushing old lady who sat next to HOOK.  "It is so full of soul."        "Well, madam, for my part," answered the wit,  "I think there seems more of the flounder than the sole about it."
 
AN ENGINE DRIVER and stoker called at the shop of a well-known temperance man, and asked him if he could show them where MESSRS.________'s spirits vaults were situate.  "Yes", replied the Good Templar;  "come this way"; and taking them through his shop and house, the back of which faces the parish churchyard, he said, pointing to the graves, "There are the vaults, but the spirits are all gone."
 
"GIVE ME a bid gentlemen - some one start the cart - do give me a bid if you please - anything to start the cart," cried an excited Yankee auctioneer, who stood on the cart he was endeavouring to sell.  "Anything you please to start it."      "If that's all you wants, I'll start her for you!" exclaimed a broad backed countryman, applying his shoulder to the wheel, and giving the cart a sudden push forwards, tumbled the auctioneer over the side.  By the time the fallen auctioneer had regained his feet, the countryman had started too.
 
ONE of the professors attached to a Southern University, who as a Plutonist, has achieved, some notoriety, is apt when lecturing to enliven his discourse and elucidate his meaning by commonplace aphorisms.  Dwelling the other day on that portion of history devoted to the story of COLUMBUS and the egg, the professor concluded by stating that a fool can put as many questions in an hour as would puzzle a wise man for a day.   "By Jove," exclaimed one of the students, "now I understand how I was plucked last time in constitutional history !"
 
JERE JOHNSON, jun., a noted auctioneer of New York, advertises for sale at ' Far Rockaway, Long Island, ' "nine elegant cottages and seventy-five glorious ocean villa plots," and adds the following invitation:
 
Then come to the sale with Johnson,
By the roar of the ocean surf,
Come, buy a home by the salt sea foam,
In the fairest spot of earth;
On the sea-beat shore, which everymore,
As now, shall resound with mirth.
 
UNCLE SOLOMON says he has noticed, all through his life, how ready people are, when they have made a mistake to correct it - by abusing somebody else for it.  In a night-school, the teacher was trying to make his class understand the meaning of subtraction, and to illustrate the subject, said, "Supposing a farmer had four hundred sheep, and he sold fifty of them, by what process would he understand how many he had left ?  What would he do ?  A raw-boned lad of fourteen, with beaming face and outstretched arm, replied, as soon as he caught the teacher's eye,   "Ask the shuppard, sir?"
 
IN one of the Landseer's early visits to Scotland, he stopped at a village, and took a great deal of notice of the dogs, jotting down rapid sketches of them on a bit of paper.  Next day, on resuming his journey, he was horrified to find dogs suspended from the trees in all directions, or drowning in the rivers, with stones round their necks.  He stopped a weeping urchin who was hurrying off with a pet pup in his arms, and learned, to his dismay, that he was supposed to be an excise officer who was taking notes of all the dogs he saw, in order to prosecute the owners for unpaid taxes.  Another time he went to Portugal, and the King sent for him to express his admiration.   "Ah, SIR EDWIN," said his Majesty, "I am glad to see you;  I'm so fond of beasts."