FACTS and FACETIAE.
 
The oldest Westernn Settler .... The evening sun.
 
WANTED TO KNOW .... Is a baker's son not bred to the business ?
 
WHEN is the weather like the National Debt ? .... When it's unsettled.
 
QUERY .... May a girl be said to have a ringing laugh, when she is a belle ?
 
"THE great American obituary provoker" is the latest designation for kerosene.
 
THE Bump of Destructiveness .... A railway collision.
 
"WANTED", says a country paper, "young ladies who can and will play at croquet without cheating".
 
A CHEMIST says he can reduce boot legs to beefsteak.  Some hotels have had ten years the start of him.
 
"KNOWING PEOPLE" .... I find plenty ov people who are willing tew tell you all they kno, if youtell them all you kno, but the mizery ov the trade iz, they don't know much.  - JOSH BILLINGS.
 
HOUSE OR HUSBAND .... A lovely wife, on the death of her husband through a fire in their house, sent the following thrilling telegram, "Dear John is dead;  loss fully covered by insurance."
 
SOME one remarked to an Aberdonian,  "It's a find day".
"Fa's findin' faut wi' the day ?" was the Scot's reply.  "Ye wud pick a quarrel wi' a steen wa'."
 
A CALIFORNIA paper tells of a boy who climbed a tomato vine to get away from a mad dog.  Tomato vines attain an enormous size in California, and so do "stories".
 
THE Countess Dowager of ___________, in her will, written by herself at the age of eighty, expresses her "wish to be buried decently and quietly - no undertaker's frauds or cheating;  no scarfs, hatbands, or nonsense."
 
IN a Nashua Court recently, a juror asked to be excused because he was deaf, although there were reasons for supposing that his hearing was not affected.  "He is excused" said the judge, "for if he is deaf, we don't want him, and if he is a liar we don't want him either !"
 
AN old bachelor says that he has known ladies in whom the instinct of decoration was so strong, that if they were told they must be hanged in the presence of 20,000 persons to-morrow, their thought would be, "Oh, dear !   And I haven't a dress fit to be hung in !"
 
A CORONER'S JURY, empanelled to ascertain the cause of the death of a notorious drunkard, brought in a verdict of "Death by hanging - around a shop."  In California, a coroner's jury, under similar circumstances, rendered a more courteous verdict - "Accidental death while - unpacking a glass."
 
"A FRIEND of mine," said Erskine, was suffering from continual wakefulness, and various methods were tried to bring him to sleep.  At last his physicians resorted to an expedient which succeeded admirably.  They dressed him in a watchman's coat, put a lantern in his hand, placed him in a sentry box, and he was asleep in ten minutes."
 
A CONTEMPORARY publishes the following erudite letter from the chief magistrate of a certain corporation:  "Dear sur - On Monday next I am to be made a mare, and shall be much obliged to you, if so be, as you will send me down by the coach some provisions fitting for the occasion, as I am to ax my brother, old mare, and the rest of the bentch."
 
A BEGGARMAN'S IDEA OF VERMICELLI SOUP .... A beggar called at a gentleman's door in Edinburgh one afternoon, and requested something to eat.  The family had had vermicelli soup at dinner, a plate of which was offered.  The old man, however, mistaking the vermicelli for "the other little white fellows," stirred it several times with his spoon, and, looking imploringly in the lady's face, said, "I'm a puir auld man, and very thankfu' for onything ye'll gie me, but really, mem, I couldna eat maughs"