Says a new Cincinnati paper: -- "This is the grandest, mightiest, most glorious republic that ever blessed the world; and yet, with all its power and learning and greatness, it can't make an infuriated woman stop in the middle of a sentence and listen to an explanation."
Every man can make himself useful in this world, if only by holding a sunshade over a young lady who is playing croquet.
"A prudent man," ways a witty Frenchman, "is like a pin; his head prevents him from going too far."
MAIL TRAVELLING IN SCOTLAND IN THE NINETEENTH CENTURY. -- Englishman, who has just arrived by the London mail, to Aberdeen railway porter: Is this the mail to Turriff? -- Porter, who has been told to be civil: Ou ay, that's yer mail. Ye'll have to pay sax an' ninepence for a first smokin', maybe a five bawbees to me for yer loggage, an' a penny to the laddie for the Free Press to amuse you on the road. Ance she gets startit she'll run the four and forty miles wi' ye in three hours or sae. She stops at a/ the stations an' shunts. If onybody's seen rinnin.' on the turnpike or the Moss o' Wartle that's gaen wi' her she wites a five or sax minutes, an' begins again. -- Englishman: Is there no faster train? Porter: Nae, except the goods ane be faster. I'll gang an' speer at the guard. I ken far he is takin' his smoke. Porter, coming back, says: She jist tak's the same time as the mail, but nae passengers are ta'en unless on the nicht or early in the mornin'. -- Englishman: Are there any refreshments to be got during the three hours' run? -- Ou ay, plenty refreshment. Ye'll get time to smell the caller air, an' ye'll get a pennyworth o' sweeites at Inveramsay, an' a drink o' caul water at Eyvie if there is ony in the pail, an' the porter there is a freen' of mine, an'll chairge ye naething for't. -- Englishman darts into Williamson's Refreshment Rooms to provide himself with provisions for the hurried run of four and forty miles in three house. -- Aberdeen Free Press.
"Sambo, did you ever see the Catskill Mountains?" -- "No, sah; but I've seen um kill mice.
An announcement of an instantaneous cough cure is made. If there are any more cough remedies invented we shall have to go to work inventing coughs for them.
At Richmond, Va., a wife lay in a dying condition. Having brought up a clever orphan girl, who was grown, the dying woman called the young woman to her, and said -- "I will soon leave you my little children motherless. They know you and love you, and after I am gone I want you and my husband to marry." The young woman, deeply affected, burst into tears, and said: "We were just talking about that." --American paper.
Lately, when a lame beggar halted a man on Woodward Avenue and asked for alms, the pedestrian seemed to look kindly on him, and asked him to step upstairs into his office and he would see about it. The beggar followed him up to the top story of the block. into an office, took a seat by the stove, and when the gentleman had hung up his overcoat and poked up the fire, he said, "So you want alms, do you?" "Please Heaven, I do," was the reply. "What claim have you on my charity?" "Well, I dunno, only I'm awful poor." "I can't give you a cent," said the gentleman. "You haven't made out a clear case, and therefore you will get nothing from me." "Why didn't you say so at the foot of the stairs?" asked the beggar, remembering it was three pairs up and three down. "I am a business man. I have business hours and a business office. If I could do business at the foot of the stairs I shouldn't pay rent for this office. And now, you climb!" -- Detroit Free Press.