From TOMMY TODDLE'S Comic Almenac.
Iv yo happen a have a goose ta carve, just mind and slip it off t'plate onta sumboddy's knee, an then beg their pardon, an saay yor varry glad they catch'd it soa nicely, or it might have goan ontut t'floor an spoilt it.
Iv thor happens ta be fish, jut try an swallow a boan, and grow red e t'faice, an be varry near choaked, till sumboddy hit yo ower t'back an varry near breaks your spine wi tryin to ger it abht agean.
Iv yo've soup ta hand abaght, just empty abaght a gill onta t'chap's booits sittin t'next ta yo;  then put a spoonful ar two on ta your waistcoat, be mistak, ta see iv it al tak t'colour aght ov it.  Its a varry tidy waay ov doin it, iz that, highly recommended.
Iv yo happen ta have ta mich fat, just slip it onta sumboddy's else plaate when they ar'nt lewkin, an make em believe it's been there evver sin they bagan ov eatin.
Iv onnyboddy axes yo ta hand em a glass of wine, just sup it yorsen, an call fer anoather.
Should yo happen ta have peaas, just shovel em up wi yor knife, an put t'fork under yor arm.  It taks ovver long ta catch em wi a fork, yo knaw.
Iv it happens ta be tip-top company, an they put yo a big glass baisin of watter on t'table, just wash your faice in it when yo've dun, an wipe yor face wi yor pocket handkerchief.  It's varry becomin iz that.
When yo leave t'raam, just put yor hat on afour you goa aght, and whistle a bar or two thro t'last opera, an you'll mak yorsen famous e noa time.
N.B.  I'd fergetten ta tell yo at I've been studyin 'rules ov country;;   but yo'll happen find it aght be yor awn sharpness.